When I Said YES!!

I can tell you nearly three years ago when I said YES too little man I did not really understand the significance of that yes.  Of course I knew I would be inviting a soul that was broken and wounded into our home but there was not much thought after that.

I remember the day we decided to start our foster care journey.  I had a conversation with the Lord and it was a simple one……

Lord I will do this I will go all in with whoever you place in our home but Lord please do not give me a baby.

I wasn’t asking him not to give us a little person because of our lifestyle at the time.  Yes it was a great date nights as we please, sleeping in until at least 8am.  This was not the reason.

See the lord gave me a vision that haunted my days.  He showed me how he would place us with a little to love in ways we never could imagine and then he showed me that one day he would take him from us.

Whether you’re a believer or not these visions to me have been prophetic over my life speaking truth over my future.  When I was younger, a non-believer, I would call them deja vu moments.  I did not want to risk that hurt I did not want to my heart to break.  Honestly I did not want to sacrifice myself and being so uncomfortable for the sake of someone else.  This of course is the farthest thing I had begging from the Lord for years.  I had been begging and praying to him that I did not need anything spectacular attached to my name that only if I could just be his servant and live like he did, to love like he did, to sacrifice my life that would be the greatest gift he could give me.   

The day we got the call for little man we were heading out of town for the weekend.  I was nudged to say yes to him but that thought popped into my head and I thought I could out smart our God.  We said yes but only if they could not find a home for him and that we would be back Monday and they could call me if they still needed a home for him.

Monday came and went and there was a sense of peace.  A hope, the thought that came across my heart, was planted there in fear of keeping me from saying yes and I had broken that fear and said yes. 

Tuesday came and I received a call he still needs a home. Are you ready?

Yes…..We are.

Yes…..Lord I am ready to be your vessel no matter the cost to me.

I can break down every minute for you of this nearly three year journey.  I’ve tried to encourage his mom; I’ve tried to be his voice, I’ve LOVED him as my own because over the years he became my child.  Not of flesh and blood but in a love that I never could imagine.  I’ve seen how the system has let him and so many down.  I have also seen beauty from other stories in our community.

No matter what the day brought us we had hope, our Lord and our story would be one of HIS REDEMPTION and LOVE.  No matter my hope in what the Lord could do with our story that one thought would always come back to haunt me.

And 13 days ago that nightmare came to life.  We were pushing towards adoption and honestly I knew our chances of calling him forever our son was not a for sure.  I knew I could lose him, I knew one day he may no longer call me mommy, but I never imagined it would be in this way.  I never imagined this was the way Satan would take ahold of that thought and bring me down in this way.

I wish I could sit here and say that this is not the ending to our great love story with little man.  I wish I could give you that story we were raised on of happily ever after but this is not our reality right now.

Here’s what I can give you…….I will never be able to give you the why this destruction and devastation has marched into our life.  I will hear human answers that try to tie bows around the big blows of life.  The only answer I can give you is the Lord helped me survive this and He’ll help you too.  He’s helping me to pray over us, our community, the person hurt enough to lie, the system and with each prayer He inspires hope in my heart and letting Satan know with each blow and strike you have attempted to break me will actually help me to grow stronger in my Lords love.  You can take my whole world from me but you cannot take my voice and my hope in our Lord.

In my eyes you will see a secret sorrow, a deep wound, a scared child.  You will see tears that are liquid magnets drawing others in.  It’s through my tears that people are united.  And in that I will find my why.  Why did this happen?  Because there’s someone else in this world who would drown in their own tears if not for seeing yours. And when you make one other human simply know they aren’t alone, you make the world a better place.

It’s ok to feel lost and loved all at the same time as long as you continue to say YES to what the Lord has for you no matter the cost.      

Our battle plan may look a little different now but our goal is the same.  Encouraging families and equipping the community in which we live and serve.  Shedding light on what foster care is equal parts good and bad, joy and sorrow, beauty and brokenness and being a platform to say enough.